SUE SYLVESTER’S TRACK SUITS:
- Red with black and white stripes
- Blue on light blue stripes
- Black and yellow stripes
- Black and white piping
SUE SYLVESTER’S BEST LINE: “If there’s anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I’m cutting it!”
This week’s episode of Glee presents us with a problem. On one hand, we love Jane Lynch. Obviously. We are happy, oh so very happy, that Glee showcases her talents and that she’s finally getting recognition for the outstanding talent that she is. On the other hand, sometimes Glee just sucks. There are wonderful episodes, and there are others stuck in sap like the dinosaur fly in Jurassic Park, and thus make us want to vomit pretty, scented flowers. “True Colors” was on that side of the maple tree.
This episode’s word of the day is distract, and all derivatives thereof. Scream when you hear it, because you will feel like it.
The episode opens with Sue Sylvester announcing that she has been named “Cheerleading Coach of the Decade” by Splits magazine and, unrelatedly, wants the set list for Glee Club’s sectional performance as part of her co-artistic director duties. After Sue asks him for the names of McKinley’s competitors (Jane Addams Academy and the School for the Deaf), including zip code, please, Schuester suspects Sue of leaking Glee Club intel to the rival schools. He goes to the Jane Addams Academy to ask the principal (Eve) straight up what’s up.
Turns out the Jane Addams Academy is little more than a Mini-Supermax for Pre-Incarcerated Girls. We know this in part by the handi-cam that is used to document Schuester’s entrance, pat-down, and sign-in at the school. From one of our experiences visiting clients, this is just a little more comprehensive than the security detail over at the Valley State Prison for Women and California Institution for Women. You’d think he was going to visit Hannibal Lecter.
He goes in to see Principal Eve, but not before he gets pickpocketed by a girl named, I kid you not, Aphasia. Aphasia. This after Eve asks Aphasia why she tried to hold up a bank. I’ve seen that movie, girl, and it does not turn out well.
Eve is surprised to see Schuester, because “we don’t get other educators paying us visits.” Except he’s not there as an educator. J’accuse Eve of cheating. Eve rightly points out that her kids have enough on their plate than to try to cheat. And, we would add, if they could hold up a bank, they certainly can figure out a better way to cheat. Shuester admits he made some fairly unfounded assumptions and graciously permits the Jane Addams kids to practice in McKinley’s swanky PTA-supported auditorium as penance. Eve knows white guilt when she sees it and accepts.
Eve’s girls show up, and they bring with them their hair. Because that is all these poor girls have. They should see Chris Rock’s documentary. Everyone should see that documentary. Given that this is all they have, presumably, they throw it about quite a bit. Rachel correctly tells Schuester that even though Eve is their coach, the Jane Addams hair is essentially a distraction from the fact that the their performance was like their test scores, graduation rates, and and statewide ranking: not as good as McKinley’s.
Schuester instead is distracted by the hair, and buys wigs for his team to wear and toss. Is this both stupid and a terrible waste of their limited budget? Yes and hell yes. In a great, correct, and very welcome rant, Sue throws down Schuester and tells him how utterly inane his idea is: “If there’s anything on that list that involves demeaning, fruity hair tossing, I’m cutting it.” She didn’t become Cheerleading Coach of the Decade because she had stupid ideas.
Meanwhile, the principal of the School for the Deaf cries discrimination and demands equal treatment. A couple of deaf jokes later, the deaf school’s choir club is being subjected to the Gleeks trying out their new ‘dos and getting wiggy with it. It’s so crazy and silly that even the deaf people are laughing at it!
When it’s their turn to practice, the School of Deaf kids begin to sing and sign John Lennon’s “Imagine.” It is very pretty and touching in an overbearing, deliberate sort of way. Schuester and the Gleeks eat their slices of humble pie. And then – and then. Basically, the Gleeks are so moved by the deaf kids’ rendition of “Imagine” that they horn in and sing along too. That sound you hear? Is sap dripping. Sprinting, actually.
Our heads hurt from being beat on the head with the sentimentality stick. We get that the writers are earnestly attempting to Bring People Together, but executing this lesson via machine gun to the head was a tad too much. The lesson we got from this was: Be yourself, then watch as the majority co-opts your talents and attention and turn it into something of their own. And then win Sectionals and otherwise gentrify.
Ok, on to other stupid plotlines. In the baby plotline that won’t die, Puck picks up a book for Quinn: “How to Raise a Baby on $5 a Day.” By Rachel Ray
Quinn and Puck babysit. Quinn is pleased with him as daddy material, particularly when the two join to sing “Papa Don’t Preach” to calm down the boys. Apparently, a song about teenage pregnancy will soothe rowdy children. To be fair, this really was an excellent choice, and Quinn did it well. (Now, to get Jane Lynch sing “This Used to Be My Playground” …). Unfortunately for Quinn, Puck was sexting his other girlfriend the whole time, and so Quinn decides he isn’t daddy material after all. That was a little disappointing – it would have been been nice if Puck didn’t live up to his stereotype. She’s back with Finn, becomes concerned that her baby will not have a good father regardless of the teenage dad she chooses, and so gives Spud back to Terri. It’s just small potatoes, Quinn.
Meanwhile, Terri voiceovers her stress over being found out. She decides to distract Schuester from her fake bump. Her vehicle of distraction is … well, a vehicle: a run down 1970s-ish sports car that Schuester can fix up. At first, he’s elated and distracted, but he realizes that he can’t let anything distract him from his family and from cars equipped to handle child safety seats. He trades down his ride for an ugly minivan. Terri’s back to where she started from: stupid. Just small potatoes, Terri.
Meanwhile, in heaven, Henry James is trying to think of godly ways to sue the writers for taking his narrative invention and stomping it to death.
Finally, something not stupid: Sue is feeding the other schools information about the Gleeks’ setlists. Eve objects: she can’t be a good role model to her at-risk kids if she’s cheating to win a singing contest. Sue agrees, but pulls out the race and class card: in contrast to the privileged McKinley kids, Jane Addams’ have enough setbacks. They need as many wins as they can get. Same for the deaf kids. See, Glee, there is a very subtle difference between explicitly recognizing how class and race are limiting circumstances, as Sue does here, and exploiting stereotypes to perpetuate assumptions about those two same issues in order to make a point, as the writers do by SuperMaximizing Jane Addams and naming Aphasia Aphasia. It’s a very tricky line, but can the show please inject some of Sue’s self-awareness into its own world?
Sue concludes by telling both principals that they need to take what they can gets: “Never let anything distract you from winning. Ever.”
The show ends with the Gleeks sitting simply on stools, dressed up in solid color American Apparel-like tshirts, and singing “True Colors.” How much cooler would this have been had the Gleeks been lined up in red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple? Ah, but subtlety is not this show’s strong suit, is it?
Next week: McKinley’s Glee Club visits a Kumon center; is humbled by Asian kids who not only are good at maths, but also have amazing voices; and are thankful that as miserable as their lives are, no one is as miserable as the kid who must be #1 in each of her six AP classes. And she’s gay. Oh wait, that’s our lives. Ok, for realz: next week, the Gleeks are in a commercial. Of course, our Jane knows all about that.
